Video Transcript

Welcome to part three of The Habit series. Up until now I've been speaking a little bit about the nature of our habits, conveying how complex our patterns actually are. We have behavioural, thinking, emotional and nervous system patterns that are all intertwined. There has also been a complexity of reasons that have led to the patterns that we've created and continue to re-enact or move through, mostly unconsciously in our lives.

The reason why you're here in this program isn’t just to understand why we have patterns but also how to create new patterns in our lives. This is where having an understanding of what actually creates and reinforces these patterns can help us be more conscious in creating new patterns.

Although many or most of the patterns that you and I have in our lives have been created and reinforced largely unconsciously, we have this amazing capacity as humans to grow intentionally. Scientists have noted we have the ability for self-directed neuroplasticity. Just as we're constantly shifting and changing in response to things around us, we can also shift and change in response to things that we create or intend. This reinforces the importance of what I talked about in part two in the series about attention. With our attention, we have the capacity to really consider our larger goals in life and what we really want.

The patterns we do have have been reinforced because they have benefits for us in some way. Sometimes those benefits might be really short term. You might look at some habits that people tend to look negatively upon – perhaps involving eating patterns or use of screens – that we might know in the longer term don't necessarily support our goals yet in the moment they are supporting something and providing us with benefits. It's helpful to have compassion for ourselves to recognise that there are reasons and benefit for all behaviours, even if some of there are only in the short term. When we are wanting to create new patterns, they’re often from considering what our current goals are along with a recognition that some of our current patterns aren't necessarily aligned with those goals.

As an example, someone might have a goal of having improved relationships with people in their life. This person may also have a pattern of leaving an interaction every time conflict arises. There's an immediate benefit for this person of not being in an uncomfortable situation and if this person leaves the conversation every time there's something difficult, the pattern isn’t supporting their larger goal of having improved relationships.

What can help us reinforce the patterns we consciously choose and that are aligned with our longer-term goals? I've had conversations with every one of you around some of your goals are so you have clarity in at least some areas of what it is you want more of in your life. This awareness, along with practice, is critical in how we create new patterns in our lives. Awareness and using the capacity of choosing where our attention is allows us to bring to mind and stay grounded in our goals when we want to create new patterns that align with those goals. This continual reinforcement can be really helpful and is part of the design of this program. I’m going to be more explicit about some of these design aspects so you can continue these sorts of practices beyond just the audio practice that you've received in the program.

Patterns are a product of repetition. It’s critical to remember that it's a process and to invite as much patience and compassion for ourselves as possible. We don't spend most of our lives being intentional about where our attention and consciousness is. Cultivating that is a practice in itself. Much of how we move through our lives is through the patterns that have already been created. When we're in the process of trying to reinforce new patterns, it’s best to be really gentle with ourselves when we notice that we are defaulting to existing patterns because that that's generally how we are going to be. It is helpful to know that even if we are unconscious/unaware about what our patterns are or what we're thinking or feeling or doing in most moments, the times that we are more aware and intentional add up. It’s not all or nothing in any way. We can spend most of our time not being intentional or conscious and still be continually shifting and growing. Every little bit matters. Scientists have found it's the small, incremental changes that are interwoven with our lives that really do lead to really big changes.

You’ve had your practice (for this program) for a couple weeks now. It may or may not have been something that you've been doing regularly. Regardless of how often or regularly you’ve been practicing, I'd like to invite you to see any practice that you have done anytime or any ways that you've interwoven or remembered your goal is making a difference. Even if you haven’t followed through with the frequency you intended, let go of any make wrong. Let go of any ideas that make you or your behaviour and choices bad or wrong. The make wrong itself can have negative repercussions and what we want to do is reinforce the times that we do make choices intentionally and aligned with our goals. Even if it's only a few times, every instance can make a difference. Studies in how our nervous system works show that it's the small, regular and incremental changes that are necessary to shift our nervous system patterning.

As I’ve spoken to, our patterns aren’t only our behaviour but also what we’re thinking and feeling emotionally and in our bodies so the more we include all these aspects when intending new patterns, the more helpful it can be. It’s also important to find ways to weave these patterns into our lives. This not only helps us remember them, it also makes them a lot more accessible and easier to achieve. If we try to reinforce something that is too big or hard, we’ll be less likely to succeed. The most successful shifts in our patterns don't come from motivation and willpower. Many of us have this false notion that we just have to push ourselves harder. Unfortunately that usually makes us feel badly about ourselves and doesn't support us experiencing the benefits of whatever we’re doing. Negative and harsh thought patterns are rarely in line with what our goals actually are.

Along with the idea that having things that we can interweave in our lives while remembering practice is a process, I’m going to go back to the example I presented earlier about someone who had a pattern of leaving a difficult conversation. There would be benefits in the moment for this person with their existing patterns and if this person wanted to change their patterns, they would want to choose ways of practicing that were not overwhelming to their nervous system and something that they could do in small ways.

It would be helpful to remember that sometimes in the short term the new behaviours might not feel as good as some of the familiar patterns or behaviours. If we're wanting to cultivate patterns that are more aligned with our bigger goals, it sometimes requires us to use the capacity to consciously reflect and to be aware in order to cultivate positive feelings and an experience of benefit. As noted, patterns are reinforced because they have benefits so we want to strengthen any benefits we can with the patterns we’re wanting to grow. We want to associate positive feelings with our patterns.

It's been found that it can be really helpful every time we practice a new pattern - in addition to making it small and part of our life - that we actually take time to reflect afterwards. We can do that through self-talk, such as speaking positively to ourselves about our choice and its alignment with what matters to us. In the made up example I’d given you, the person may say to themselves something like “Wow I stayed two extra minutes in that conversation with that person and this is improving my capacity to stay with and improve my relationships.” Anything that supports us feeling good and positive in how we’re moving towards our goals. Beyond self-talk, we can also take time to reflect on how we're moving positively, what we’ve accomplished, and congratulate ourselves by writing it down. Journaling our positive experiences helps strengthen them. When we use writing to reinforce new patterns, we stay focused on the positive and the benefits. So, for example, instead of focusing on the last 10 days that I didn't do a practice, I would spend my time writing to acknowledge, reflect on, and link the fact that I did practice today to my bigger goals.

In addition to self-talk and journaling, we can also share with others – basically any way we can articulate the positive benefits supports new patterns. This also one of the reasons why there's been an open channel of communication with me through this program. I'm here to receive and listen to any of your reflections. This isn’t for my benefit but can be quite helpful for you. I invite you share any reflections and connections with me as these small things will help continually reinforce the patterns that support what really matters to you in your life.

As I finish up this section, it's my hope that you're left with an invitation to be compassionate and patient with yourself, to really acknowledge any steps, movements, thoughts, emotions, and behaviour that is aligned with your goals and to know that you always have choice moving forward. So even if leading up until now you haven't made certain choices you had hoped to, there's nothing to mean that all those choices aren’t still available to you. Above all else, be gentle with yourself.

One final aspect I didn’t mention earlier that’s important when practicing new patterns is being able to tweak things as we go. We might set out to have a practice that sounds reasonable and then when we start to do it, we realise it isn’t accessible or aligning with our goal(s). Similarly, if the practice you've been given isn’t workable or aligned, there's space to tweak and change. We really want this to be something that feels like it can fit in and align with our goals.

I'm going to leave you with that for now and I'll be back with some more ideas and thoughts on habits to support you in continuing to create and reinforce the patterns that really align with what matters to you in your life.